Poems (I Guess They Could Be Called That)

[SpaceDementia]

So, this is just some of my poems/writings, whatever you wanna call them...
I'll post more if anyone cares to read them 8-)

Crush
You sit without talking
But you're gilded so I'm gawking
Your beauty's a UFO, it's out of this world
I'm staring, can't help it, senses unfurled
Maybe you realize, maybe you don't
Not like I know which is better
I just wish you'd think the same of me
My stomach's cotton and my mouth's a rocket
Boy, you make my eyes pop out of their sockets

As-of-Yet Untitled
There are vines within all of us
Waiting to be grabbed onto and swung out on
The cities blare with their own nature
In the country, there is air that whistles
but never signs loudly enough

We are each in our own cages
No distinction of races and ages
Fuse these cells together and they can walk
They can sing, they can hear and talk
A billion cages with a billion prisoners
Can be broken more easily than one

Nothing/Everything (written while I was in a really bad mood)
Nothing is sacred and nothing is new
Nothing's newborn, naked and covered in dew
Everything's on repeat and everything's a bore
Everything is nothing but a world-class *****

[tiklemepurple]

Jackie!
You're amazing!

[SpaceDementia]

Jackie!
You're amazing!

Thank you! :D

[XxInyourNightmarexX]

I love the way you write!!

[SpaceDementia]

Thanks, Erica!

I wrote more, so I figured I might as well post it...even though non-fanfics don't get many readers around here :roll:

------------------------------------------

This Is...

To the beast in the moon
And the angels lounging on the stars
I fear it'll all melt away so soon
And leave us with just homes, jobs + cars

That everlasting glow that is cast
Folds us up in a worldwide embrace
No telling how long it will last
But its spell is of the most delicate lace

This witching hour hiding in the dead of night
Lifts me in my sleep to something more
It creeps but it never ignites me with fright
Instead, it whittles me tenderly down to my core


Retaliation

We get choked day in + day out
We are stabbed but keep walking about
We feel bullets fly through our heads
We are tied up + left for the night
We are punched but put up a good fight

No one stays down unless they love the ground
No one tries who wants to be pushed back
We all shove because we're packed tight + sound
Don't expect them to cut you any slack

You close your eyes so you can see well
You curl + sleep in your plexiglass shell
You dig in minefields + are shocked by the blows
You hang from the trees like a ripe fruit
Want them to pluck you but all they do is shoot

[luvukaulitztwins]

OMG AWESOME

I cant even write a poem :oops:

[SpaceDementia]

OMG AWESOME

I cant even write a poem :oops:

I'm sure you can!
Go for it...you don't have to rhyme if you don't want to
A poem can be pretty much anything ;)

[SpaceDementia]

OK, dedicated readers [if there are any]...
Here are some more :geek:



You're not yet blind, there's still time to free your mind
A cage still has air flowing into it + light shining through it
Bars can be melted + cut
Better a refugee than a prisoner
Running scared + into nowhere is the perfect antidote to a life folded in a box
Hold on...hold tight...now you can let go!



All my friends are sedentary
I'm gearing up to be migratory
I know it might be tougher
But at least I'll have the better story



Ottava Rima <--That's the poem style
Always reaching, reaching + pulling down the sky
Our hands bleed, tugging on stars + shy clouds
Our eyes strain from always looking up high
As we break the divide, we take our bows
The imaginary audience sighs
Like the cats in need of food, we meow
Just never satisfied with what we hold
Just ripping through in hopes of silver + gold


I Am...
A detective on your trail
The cat traipsing behind your tail
An archeologist on your dig
The bird perched on a nearby twig

Watching, waiting, but never stopping
You're the water + I'm belly-flopping
I'll lick my wounds and won't take a break
Til you're the crunchy leaf to my iron rake

I've seen what I want + I know the score
But going back now would be an unparalleled bore
You drip beauty all over my day
And I've already dreamt myself away

[luvukaulitztwins]

COOL

[rainbowXsuicide]

These are amazing poems, Jackie! :D

[ich_liebeT0KI0H0T3L]

jackie, you're my idol.
:D

[Love_is_Dead_x]

Wow, I really like your style of writing. :) It's very unique. I like the metaphoric, abstract properties, and the similies you use in your poetry.
But, may I give you some critique?
God, I fell like a ***** whenever I do, but here I go...


This Is...

To the beast in the moon
And the angels lounging on the stars
I fear it'll all melt away so soon
And leave us with just homes, jobs + cars

That everlasting glow that is cast
Folds us up in a worldwide embrace
No telling how long it will last
But its spell is of the most delicate lace

This witching hour hiding in the dead of night
Lifts me in my sleep to something more
It creeps but it never ignites me with fright
Instead, it whittles me tenderly down to my core

Okay, so I have one poem picked out, so now I'll give you some pointers.
The poem itself is beautiful. The meaning behind it and the wording- It's absolutely lovely.
But there are a few things that could make it even better.



This Is...

To the beast in the moon,
and the angels lounging on the stars,
I fear it'll all melt away so soon
leaving us with just homes, jobs and cars.

That everlasting glow that is cast
folds us up in a worldwide embrace;
No telling how long it will last,
but its spell is of the most delicate lace.

This witching hour, hiding in the dead of night,
lifts me in my sleep- lifts me to something more.
It creeps, but it never ignites me with fright;
Instead, it whittles me tenderly down to my core.

Everything I changed is highlighted in red.
I'd like to see more punctuation in your poetry. Without punctuation, the poem can turn out a big run on sentence. It just really makes the poem flow better. I added some punctuation where I thought it would go well.
Also, not every line has to be capitalized.

Not that I have anything at all against rhyming, I actually really like it, but for some poems, rhyming isn't the best way to go. That's one of the main reasons I chose this poem. I really think you could've got the point across really well, and made the poem flow better without rhyming.
I usually don't rhyme in my poetry, because I find rhyming is used too often. In my eyes, rhyming isn't unique; everyone uses it.
You, however, can get away with rhyming, though, because of the other techniques you use in your writing. ;)
Still, I think this particular poem would’ve been better without rhyming.

Then there’s the +. *taps foot* C’mon, no being lazy with your poetry! =P
As for where I put ‘leaving’, and I changed that little part in the last stanza, I threw that in to make it flow better. xD I’m a big fan of hyphens and semi colons. =P

Just work on these things and you’ll blow peoples brains out with your awesome writing! :D

And, I’m really very sorry if I hurt your feelings at all. I’m just critiquing to help my fellow writers. Trust me; people tore my work to shreds. I actually asked them to. But I think it’s necessary if you’re trying to flourish in your writing. (Oh, God, not that I’m trying to tear your work to shreds. 0_0)

If I made you angry, just tell me so and I’ll never ever ever ever do it again!

Wow, I wrote a lot. 0.o

‘Kay, bye bye! And keep writing!

[SpaceDementia]

I really appreciate you taking the time to read them at all, let alone critique!
When it comes to the "+" that's just how I type "and" usually, so that has nothing to do with the writing itself. I do that out of habit, but I also kinda like how it looks :]

And about rhyming: I usually don't have a plan or anything for a poem when I start writing it, so I start a rhyme scheme haphazardly sometimes, just to semi-organize things in my mind and then on the paper. I don't usually think ANYTHING through at all and half the time, I have no idea what the hel l I am even saying in the poem. I guess that may be strange, but I tend to like how they turn out, even when they perplex me :roll:

Anyway, one day...someday...I'll post more and I hope you read them! Thanks again :D

[Love_is_Dead_x]

You are very welcome. :mrgreen: Really you do have talent. You should be pround of your writing, it's very well written.
I know what you mean about organizing your poem. I do the same thing, except in a different way. I usually decide how many stanzas there will be, and I'll usually have a little theme going on with the punctuation.
I'll come and read them whenever you get more poems up! :D

-Vanessa